Courtship

Courtship is the time when two people get to know each other before they might decide to get married or start a serious relationship. This period can be simple and private between the two people, or it can involve families and friends. Traditionally, it was often seen as the man's job to show interest and affection to the woman, hoping she would agree to get married.

Courtship as a common social practice has only become more common in the last few hundred years. It is connected to ideas about marriage and family, which have changed quickly because of new technology and medical advances.

In the animal world, courtship describes behaviors that animals show before they come together to have babies. This is a natural part of life for many creatures.

History

In the past, many marriages were arranged by families, focusing on legacy and stability rather than love. There was often little need for a period of getting to know each other before marriage. Over time, ideas about marriage began to change. By the 1700s, individuals started to have more say in who they married, and courtship became a way for people to get to know each other before making this important decision.

Today, courtship looks different depending on where you live and personal choices. Some people still have arranged marriages, while others choose partners based on love and compatibility. Technology has also changed how people meet, with many using the internet to connect. Courtship can now happen at any age and in many forms, reflecting broader changes in society and relationships.

Duration

The length of time people spend getting to know each other before getting married can vary a lot around the world and even between different couples. Sometimes, people get married without meeting first, like in some arranged marriages.

In the United Kingdom, a survey of over three thousand couples found that, on average, people knew each other for about two years and eleven months before getting engaged. After getting engaged, it usually took another two years and three months before they got married.

Traditions

In many places, how people get to know each other before marriage can be very different. In some cultures, families and communities help by suggesting possible partners. For example, in Japan, there is a tradition called Omiai where parents might hire someone to help arrange meetings. Similar ideas exist in the Greater China Area too.

In the Philippines, courtship can be quite special. It often includes stages that can take a long time, sometimes a whole year or more. It’s common for someone to show their feelings through love letters, songs, and gifts. The families usually play a big role, as their approval is important.

In some more traditional societies, marriages are arranged by families, meaning parents choose partners for their children. This helps protect young people and focuses on family goals rather than just personal feelings. Over time, these traditions have mixed with other ways of meeting, giving couples more chances to get to know each other before deciding about marriage. People also often share valentines and letters as part of their courtship.

Courtship in social theory

Courtship is a time when people get to know each other before they might decide to marry or have a serious relationship. Scientists started studying courtship in the 1980s and found that it often starts because of actions and signals from women, with men responding. One reason people fall in love is to help them find a partner.

As technology has grown, so have the ways people meet. Today, many people use the internet to meet others. They create profiles sharing details about themselves and can search through many accounts to find someone they like. This has changed how people think about choosing a partner. Websites like Match, eHarmony, OkCupid, Zoosk, and ChristianMingle help people connect. Mobile apps such as Tinder and Grindr let users quickly decide if they’re interested in someone by swiping. Social media platforms like Facebook, Skype, and WhatsApp also make it easier to talk to people far away. Some people worry that these fast and easy ways of meeting might make it harder to build lasting relationships.

Worldwide

Courtship customs and habits vary considerably throughout the world. The average duration of courtship before proceeding to engagement or marriage varies considerably throughout the world.

Africa

Ethiopia

According to one source, there are four ways that marriage can happen among the Nyangatom people: (1) arranged marriage, when well-respected elders are sent to the girl's family on behalf of the boy's family; (2) courtship after a friendly meeting between boy and girl such as at a market place or holiday where there's dancing; (3) abduction, such as during a blood feud between families; (4) inheritance.

North Africa

In North Africa like in many parts of the Middle East, relationships without marriage are considered unacceptable. Courtship in North Africa is predominantly done under family supervision, usually in a public place.

Asia

Asia is a mix of traditional approaches with involvement by parents and extended families such as arranged marriages as well as modern courtship. In many cultural traditions, including some in South Asia, and the Middle East and to some extent East Asia, a date may be arranged by a third party, who may be a family member, acquaintance, or professional matchmaker.

China

Patterns of courtship are changing in China, with increased modernization bumping into traditional ways.

A 2003 report in China Daily suggested that courtship for most Chinese university women was "difficult", required work, stole time away from academic advancement, and placed women in a precarious position of having to balance personal success against traditional Chinese relationships. Many women were reported to have high standards for men they sought, but also worried that their academic credentials could "scare away more traditional Chinese men". It was reportedly difficult finding places to have privacy, since many dormitory rooms had eight or more pupils in one suite, while courtship in restaurants tended to be expensive. One student remarked: "American couples drink and dance together. But in China, we study together."

Relationships between students preparing for college are frowned upon by many parents in China.

India

The custom of Indian arranged marriages requires little courtship, although there are strong indications that the institution is undergoing change, and that love marriages are becoming more accepted as India becomes more intertwined with the rest of the world. In the cities at least, it is becoming more accepted for two people to meet and try to find if there is compatibility.

The majority of Indian marriages are arranged by parents and relatives, and one estimate is that 7 of every 10 marriages are arranged. Sometimes the bride and groom do not meet until the wedding, and there is no courtship or wooing before the joining. In the past, it meant that couples were chosen from the same caste and religion and economic status. There is widespread support for arranged marriages generally. Writer Lavina Melwani described a happy marriage which had been arranged by the bride's father, and noted that during the engagement, the woman was allowed to go out with him before they were married on only one occasion; the couple married and found happiness. Supporters of arranged marriage suggest that there is a risk of having the marriage fall apart whether it was arranged by relatives or by the couple themselves, and that what's important is not how the marriage came to be but what the couple does after being married. Parents and relatives exert considerable influence, sometimes posting matrimonial ads in newspapers and online. Customs encourage families to put people together, and discourage sexual experimentation as well as so-called serial courtship in which a prospective bride or groom meets but continually rejects possible partners, since the interests of the family are seen as more important than the romantic needs of the people marrying. Indian writers, such as Mistry in his book Family Matters, sometimes depict arranged marriages as unhappy. Writer Sarita Sarvate of India Currents thinks people calculate their "value" on the "Indian marriage market" according to measures such as family status, and that arranged marriages typically united spouses who often did not love each other. She suggested love was out of place in this world because it risked passion and "sordid" relationships. Love, as she sees it, is "Waking up in the morning and thinking about someone." Writer Jennifer Marshall described the wife in an arranged marriage as living in a world of solitude without much happiness, and feeling pressured by relatives to conceive a son so she would not be considered as "barren" by her husband's family; in this sense, the arranged marriage did not bring "love, happiness, and companionship". Writer Vijaysree Venkatraman believes arranged marriages are unlikely to disappear soon, commenting in his book review of Shoba Narayan's Monsoon Diary, which has a detailed description of the steps involved in a present-day arranged marriage. There are indications that even the institution of arranged marriages is changing, with marriages increasingly being arranged by "unknown, unfamiliar sources" and less based on local families who know each other. Writer Lavina Melwani in Little India compared Indian marriages to business deals:

Until recently, Indian marriages had all the trappings of a business transaction involving two deal-making families, a hardboiled matchmaker and a vocal board of shareholders – concerned uncles and aunts. The couple was almost incidental to the deal. They just dressed and showed up for the wedding ceremony. And after that the onus was on them to adjust to the 1,001 relatives, get to know each other and make the marriage work.

Relationships in which courtship is undertaken by two people without parental involvement and sometimes carry on clandestine get-togethers, has become increasingly common. When this leads to a wedding, the resulting unions are sometimes called love marriages. There are increasing instances when couples initiate contact on their own, particularly if they live in a foreign country.

Courtship websites are gaining ground in India.

Japan

There is a type of courtship called Omiai in which parents hire a matchmaker to give resumes and pictures to potential mates for their approval, leading to a formal meeting with parents and matchmaker attending. If the couple has a few rendezvous, they are often pressured by the matchmaker and parents to decide whether or not to marry.

Korea

The reasons for courtship in Korea are various. Research conducted by Saegye Daily showed that teenagers choose to keep company for reasons such as "to become more mature", "to gain consultation on worries, or troubles", or "to learn the difference between boys and girls", etc. Similarly, a news report in MK Daily showed that the primary reasons for courtship for workers of around ages 20–30 are "emotional stability", "marriage", "someone to spend time with", etc. An interesting feature in the reasons for courtship in Korea is that many Koreans are somewhat motivated to find a partner due to the societal pressure that often views single persons as incompetent.

Present Korean courtship shows a changing attitude due to the influence of tradition and modernization. There are a lot of Confucian ideas and practices that still saturate South Korean culture and daily life as traditional values. Patriarchy in Korea has been grounded on Confucian culture that postulated hierarchical social orders according to age and sex. Patriarchy is "a system of social structure and practices in which men dominate, oppress and exploit women" which is well reflected in the ways of courtship in Korea. Adding to it, there is an old saying that says a boy and a girl should not sit together after they have reached the age of seven. It is one of the old teachings of Confucianism and reveals its inclination toward conservatism.

Most Koreans tend to regard courtship as a precursor to marriage. According to a survey conducted by Gyeonggi-do Family Women's Researcher on people of age 26–44, 85.7% of respondents replied as 'willing to get married'. The market for marriage agencies are growing continuously. DUO and Gayeon are one of the major marriage agencies in Korea. Also, "Mat-sun", the blind date which is usually based on the premise of marriage, is held often among ages of late 20s to 30s. But the late trend is leaning towards the separation between courtship and marriage unlike the conservative ways of the past. In the survey conducted by a marriage agency, of 300 single males and females who were asked of their opinions on marrying their lovers, about only 42% of the males and 39% of the females said yes. There are also cases of courtship without the premise of marriage. However, the majority still takes getting into a relationship seriously.

Courtship in Korea is also considered a necessary activity supported by society. Korean adults are constantly questioned whether or not they are courting by the people around them. During family gatherings on holidays one of the questions that people hate getting asked the most is related to marriage. According to a survey it was the highest ranked at 47.3 percent.

College students in their sophomore to junior year who have not been in a relationship feel anxious that they are falling behind amongst their peers. Most of them try "sogaeting", going out on a blind date, for the first time to get into a relationship. Courtship is a duty that most people feel they must take on to not seem incompetent. In recent trends, even dramas such as ""Shining Romance" ("빛나는 로맨스"), and "Jang Bo-ri is Here!" ("왔다 장보리"), and in a variety show called, "Dad! Where Are We Going?" ("아빠 어디가?") there are elementary children confessing their love.

Courtship has also been depicted to be an activity of fun and happiness. There are Korean TV programs that film celebrities together as married couples supporting this depiction of courtship such as "We Got Married" ("우리 결혼했어요"), "With You" ("님과 함께") and "The Man Who Gets Married Daily" ("매일 결혼 하는 남자.")

According to a survey by wedding consulting agency, men consider a physical relation as a catalyst of love, otherwise, women regard it as a confirmation of affection. Adding to it, both 79.2% of men and 71.0% of women stated that how deep their physical relation in courtship is concerned in the decision of whether to marry.

Pakistan

Marriages and courtship in Pakistan are influenced by traditional cultural practices similar to those elsewhere in the Indian subcontinent as well as Muslim norms and manners. Illegitimate relationships before marriage are considered a social taboo and social interaction between unmarried men and women is encouraged at a modest and healthy level. Couples are usually wedded through either an arranged marriage or love marriage. Love marriages are those in which the individuals have chosen a partner whom they like by their own choice prior to marriage, and usually occur with the consent of parents and family. Arranged marriages on the other hand are marriages which are set and agreed by the families or guardians of the two individuals where the couple may not have met before. In either cases and in consistency with traditional marital practices, individuals who marry are persuaded to meet and talk to each other for some time before considering marrying so that they can check their compatibility.

Singapore

Singapore's largest courtship service, SDU, Social Development Unit, is government-run. The original SDU, which controversially promoted marriages among university graduate singles, no longer exists today. On 28 January 2009, it was merged with SDS [Social Development Services], which just as controversially promoted marriages among non-graduate singles. The merged unit, SDN Social Development Network seeks to promote meaningful relationships, with marriage touted as a top life goal, among all resident Singapore singles within a conducive network environment of singles, relevant commercial and public entities.

Taiwan

One report suggested that in southern Taiwan, "traditional rules of courtship" still apply despite the influence of popular culture; for example, men continue to take the initiative in forming relationships. A poll in 2009 of students at high schools and vocational schools found that over 90% admitted that they had "no clear idea of how to approach someone of the opposite sex who interested them". What caused relationships to break up? 60% said "changes of heart" or "cheating". Courtship with more than one person at a time was not permissible, agreed 70%.

Iran

Legally people of different sexes are not allowed to "mix freely" in public. Since 1979, the state has become a religious autocracy, and imposes Islamic edicts on matters such as courtship. Clerics run officially sanctioned internet courtship agencies with strict rules. Prospective couples can have three meetings: two with strict supervision inside the center, and the third being a "brief encounter on their own"; afterwards, they can either (1) choose to marry or (2) agree to never see each other again. This has become the subject of a film by Iranian filmmaker Leila Lak. Iran has a large population of young people with 70 percent of the 83-million population being under the age of thirty. However, economic hardship discourages marriage, and divorce rates have increased in Tehran to around a quarter of marriages, even though divorce is taboo. While the Iranian government "condemns courtship and relationships", it promotes marriage with (1) online courses (2) "courtship classes" where students can "earn a diploma" after sitting through weekly tests and "hundreds of hours of education" (3) "marriage diplomas" (4) matchmaking and arranged marriages. Authorities push a conservative approach and shun unmarried romantic relationships and encourage "traditional match-making". But young people have disobeyed the restrictions.

Israel

In Israel, in the secular community, courtship is very common amongst both heterosexual and homosexual couples. However, because of the religious community, there are some religious exceptions to the courtship process. In the Haredi and Chasidic communities (Ultra-Orthodox Judaism) most couples are paired through a matchmaker.

Lebanon

One report suggests courtship is hampered by "the weight of family demands upon individual choice" and that there were difficulties, particularly for people seeking to marry across religious lines, such as a Christian seeking to marry a Muslim.

North America

United States

See also: History of courtship in the United States

One report suggested the United States as well as other western-oriented countries were different from the rest of the world because "love is the reason for mating", as opposed to marriages being arranged to cement economic and class ties between families and promote political stability. Courtship–known there as 'dating'–by mutual consent of two single people, is the norm.

Journalist Emily Witt in 2016 wrote that while "social mores had changed to accept a wider range of sexual practices", there was still much "loneliness and anxiety". She traveled to San Francisco and began dating a lot, using Internet dating services and apps, and sometimes going to singles' bars alone, only to find that the "romantic-comedy concept of love" with a "perfect, permanent, tea-for-two ending" was not going to happen to her.

There is evidence that couples differ in the pace and timing with which they initiate sex in their relationships. Studies show that approximately 50% of premarital young adult couples become sexually involved within the first month of dating, while 25% initiate sex one to three months after beginning to date and a small proportion of couples wait until marriage before initiating sexual relations.

Teenagers and college-aged students tend to avoid the more formal activity of dating, and prefer casual no-strings-attached experiments sometimes described as 'hookups'. It permits young women to "go out and fit into the social scene, get attention from young men, and learn about sexuality", according to one report by sociologists. The term hookup can describe a wide variety of behavior ranging from kissing to non-genital touching; according to one report, only about one third of people had sexual intercourse. A contrary report, however, suggested there has been no "sea change" in sexual behavior regarding college students from 1988 onwards, and that the term hookup itself continued to be used to describe a variety of relationships, including merely socializing or passionate kissing as well as sexual intercourse.

Muslims living in the United States can choose whether to use traditional Islamic methods, or date American-style; Muslims choosing to stick to Islamic tradition can "only marry another Muslim", according to one Malaysian account. Mosques have been known to try to bring people together––one in California has a dating service for Muslims.

Europe

United Kingdom

In Britain, if two people are 'going out together' their relationship has normally advanced to a relatively long-standing and boyfriend-girlfriend relationship although they are not cohabiting. Writer Kira Cochrane advises to "get out there and meet people" while noting a trend of temporary suspension of marriage until an individual reaches his or her thirties. She sees a trend for developing new ways of meeting people. In contrast, writer Bibi van der Zee found etiquette rules to be helpful, and found that supposedly liberated advice such as "just be yourself" to be the "most useless advice in history". She expresses frustration following fruitless relationships, and that her mid twenties saw relationships with partners who were less willing to return phone calls or display interest in long-term commitment. She felt "clueless and unwanted", she wrote, and found advice books such as The Rules helpful.

In the UK, one estimate from 2009 was that 15 million people are single, and half of these are seeking a long-term relationship; three-quarters of them have not been in a relationship for more than 18 months. A Pew study in 2005 which examined Internet users in long-term relationships including marriage, found that many met by contacts at work or at school. In a twelve-month period, the average number of assignations that a single person will have is four. When courting, 43% of people 'google' potential partners ahead of time. Almost five million Britons used dating websites in 2008. A third admitting to lying on their profile. A fifth of married individuals between 19 and 25 met their spouse online. One poll in 2009 of 3,000 couples suggested that the average duration of their courtship period, between first meeting to the acceptance of a marriage proposal, was three years.

German-speaking countries

While analysts such as Harald Martenstein and others suggest that it is easier for persons to initiate contact in America, many Germans view the American dating habits as "unspontaneous", "ridiculous" and "rigid". Until the 1960s, countries such as Germany, Switzerland and Austria had a more formal approach for first contacts that was eased during seasonal festivals like carnival and festivals and funfairs like the Oktoberfest, which allowed for more casual flirts.

Membership in voluntary associations is relatively high in German-speaking countries and these provided further chances for possible partners to meet. Strolling on Esplanades and Promenade walkways such as the one in Hamburg called the Jungfernstieg (maidens way), have been another venue for introductions as early as the 19th century. Analyst Geoffrey Gorer described 'dating' as an American idiosyncrasy focusing on youth of college age and expressed in activities such as American 'proms'. In contrast German speaking countries and the longstanding musical tradition there provided ample opportunity of persons of varying ages enjoying social dances, such as the Vienna Opera Ball and other occasions.

Romantic encounters were often described with French terms like rendezvous or tête-à-tête. The German term of Stelldichein (as translated by Joachim Heinrich Campes) is used to signify courtship when the age of consent to marriage was relatively high. German traditions to signify lovers who met in hiding were described with terms like Fensterln (windowing) or Kiltgang (dawn stroll) used in Bavaria and Switzerland. Analyst Sebastian Heinzel sees a major cultural divide between American courtship habits and European informality, and leads to instances in which European expatriates in cities such as New York keep to themselves.

Today, most German couples in long-term relationships get to know each other through mutual friends, at work or while going out at night; the first few months of courtship often involve sexual intercourse, but are still rather casual and do not imply a serious wish to get married.

Italy

Italians maintain a conservative approach to courtship. Also, inviting friends or relatives during a rendezvous is not uncommon. More modern approaches such as 'blind dates,' 'speed dating' and websites are not as popular as abroad, and are not considered very effective by the majority of the population.

Oceania

Australia

A study revealed that 50% of Australians agreed it was permissible to request to 'go out' via a text message but not acceptable to break up this way. Flirting while texting, dubbed flirtext, was more likely to be done by girls after a relationship was started. A survey of newspaper readers suggested it was time to abandon the "old fashioned rule" of men paying for the first outing, based on women's greater earning capacity.

South America

Brazil

In Brazil there is a longer time interval before children move out of the house, which affects courtship. As a result, parents offer advice about courtship although it may not be heeded.

LGBT+

Courtship can look different for people who are attracted to the same sex or more than one sex. Sometimes, these individuals may act in ways that seem traditional at first, even if their feelings are different. As they grow older, many realize their true attractions and begin to seek relationships that match those feelings.

In some places, like India, people who express their gender in unique ways use the internet to find partners, even though they may face challenges from society.

Matchmakers

Main article: Matchmaking

People can meet others either by themselves or with help from someone else. Matchmaking is the practice of helping people meet, based on guesses about whether they might like each other. A good matchmaker tries to bring together people who share similar beliefs and values, though sometimes very different people also become good matches.

Friends often help by introducing people who don’t know each other, sometimes setting up a blind date. Families can also help, with parents sometimes sharing information about potential partners with their children. In places like India, parents might even place advertisements looking for a suitable match for their child. Today, many people also use organized services or online tools to help find someone special.